July 28, 2003 1:42 a.m.
Sorry I Haven't Updated

Wow, I haven't updated in a month. I feel kinda bad about that. A few things have happened. Right around fourth of july I got really upset and my psychologist suggested that I go the er and get something to calm me down. After waiting in the hospital for waaaay too long I finally got a prescription for ativan, which is an anti anxiety drug. That night I took one and I didn't really think it had any effect on me. The next night I didn't take any but for some reason the night after I decided to take some. I'm not really sure why, I guess I was just bored. I took 2 and didn't feel anything, so I took 4 more and then 5 more. I ended up just passing out on my bed and pretty much sleeping for over a day. I missed work, but thankfully my mom called and told them I was sick, which was sorta true. I remember her coming in my room while was sort of a quarter awake and asking me how many pills I had taken and i think I answered 10 or 11 and she took them away. The next day was 4th of july and my parents had left and I was home alone. I woke up and started getting ready for work because I was supposed to work a double shift that day, but I ended up on the floor of my bathroom puking up acid. So I called work and told them that I couldn't work the lunch shift because I was feeling sick but I could probably make it to my later shift. My boss was really cool and told me that it was fine and I didn't have to come in at all because they had enough people. So I ended up not working that day either, which was probably for the best because I continued to throw up for a while. The good thing about it all was that I lost weight. I was mad and still am mad that my mom took the pills away because I really want them back. I figure if I only take one at night when I need help getting to sleep I should be fine. Anyhow the next time I went to the psychologist I told her what happened and she thought that I might need to see a psychiatrist. I said that I would and I ended up seeing one twice. I didn't tell him that much stuff though. I told him about the "overdose" and he kept asking if I had suicidal thoughts when I was taking the pills and seemed to find it hard to belive that I didn't and that I just didn't think 11 pills would really do that much but maybe make me fall asleep for a normal amount of time and make me kinda drowsy. Oh well. I didn't tell him about my ed or cutting, but my psycholgist knows and I'm not sure if she told him or not. I did however tell him that I picked at my skin and that I wanted to stop and he suggested prozac in a small dose, which I'm actually thinking about trying. I don't know, I have to talk to my psychologist on tuesday to see what she thinks.

The other thing that happened in the last month was that I met one of my best friends in person for the first time. She is spending pretty much the month of july with her boyfriend who lives about 90 minutes from me(she lives near Seattle usually and I live in Northern California). Anyways, she drove down to see me a few weeks ago and we hung out for the day. It felt so normal like we'd known each other forever and hung out all the time. Probably becasue we talk on the phone a lot. I've gone to see her twice and I met her bf and stayed at his house overnight which his bitch of mother wasn't too happy about(and trust me that woman is a bitch, she hates my friend and really wants them to break up). In a couple of weeks I'm going to drive back to her house in WA with her and stay there for a few days which I'm excited about. She's such a good friend. I feel like I can actually talk to her and trust unlike some of my friends here, one in particular who I have bitched about before and who continues to get under my skin, but I can't really confront her or talk to her without incriminating myself or in other words telling her about the ed and the si and other problems, which is something I'm just not ready to do.

Okay, I think I've rambled enough. If your wondering about my weight, I'm still fat and b/p'ing which really sucks. I wish I could stop...I really do.