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Valentines Day... ...fucking sucks. How the hell am I supposed to celebrate love if I don't truely know what it is. Everybody I have ever loved has abandoned me in some way, although it's hard to be abandoned by someone who never gave a fuck about you in the first place. So I'm alone...I'll always be alone. In my mind I hear that little voice telling me, "Well maybe if you weren't so fucking fat then somebody might actually fall in love with you and want to spend more than a hour with you before throwing you away cause you don't matter to them, you'll never matter to them." Part of me wants to prove that voice wrong, to work harder to reach my goal, but another part of me agrees with it. No one will ever truely care about me, so why even try. The only valentines gifts I received were a card from my mom and chocolates from my grandmother. That's the same grandmother that first called me fat and always tells me I should be on a diet...so why the hell is she sending me chocolate. I wanted to eat them, but I didn't, I threw them away. And while most would think that is rude because she loves me and gave them to me, the truth is that she doesn't really love me. She's loves her grandaughter. If she really knew me she would hate me cause that's what she acts like anytime I am honest with her. In fact my entire family would hate me if they really knew me...that is if they don't already.
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