February 21, 2003 9:53 p.m.
Doing Aliright

I weighed myself yesterday morning to find that I had lost half a pound, which is not much, but it's a lot better than finding out you've gained. I've been restricting more; down to about 600 cals, which is usually the most I allow myself to have when I'm restricting. I'm having a hard time getting the energy to exercise everyday, even though I'm litterally doing nothing right now. I was in school but I had to drop this semester. I couldn't help it, I can't concentrate on anything school related it seems. I'll have the books right in front of me, but I can't for the life of me concentrate on what's in them. All I can think about is food and losing weight and how many calories I would have to consume and burn to lose half a pound a day. And even before those thoughts consumed my mind I've always had a hard time concentrating on school. I would always save everything until the last minute. And to make matters worse I seem to have a bad case of insomnia. I swear I can't go to sleep before 4am, and when you have to wake up at 6:30am it becomes quite a problem.

So now, since I'm out of school for a while I have to find a job, which is a hard thing for me to do for three reasons. The first reason is that I have such low cofidence and social anxiety that it is very hard for me to walk into a place and ask for an application or even call and ask people if they're hiring. When I have to go in and get applications and turn them in I feel like the person I'm talking to must be thinking that I'm too fat or too ugly to be applying there, which is crazy right, but I can't control it. The second reason is that I have practically no experience. I worked for Subway sandwiches for over a year but that was like 2 1/2 years ago before I went to college. Then the third reason is that no one seems to be fucking hiring right now. Like three places have said, maybe in 2 months or so they'll be hiring. Well I don't have 2 months, I need money now. I have bills to pay and I need to save up for a car so that maybe I can finally move out of my parents house. Although at the rate I'm going that might be a very long time from now and I'll most likely end up in a hospital before that day ever even comes.