I've been seeing my old therapist, I don't remember if I mentioned that yet. She made a comment that I'm affraid of my mind, which I suppose is sorta true. I have a really hard time telling people things because I'm so afraid of what they will think of me and everytime I do tell people something I always seem to regret it or obsess over what poeple think about me now that I said it. It's pretty much whatever I'm afraid of people thinking about me is what I really think of me and it's always negative. I hate myself, I hate my behavior, I hate the thoughts and feelings that I have, therefore I think that other people will too. Choosing not to tell poeple things about me is a way to protect myself, so no one other than myself can hurt me. I feel that if I'm going to be in pain I better be the one in control of it. That's what everything is really about isn't it...control. I want control over things that are impossible to control, like time and change and people. I told my therapist that I would want to be able to read peoples thoughts so I can know what to say or what not to say in order to manipulate them for my benefit. God, I sound like such a selfish bitch, which I guess I am. I don't know, to me, it's not irrational to hate myself because I really am a horrible person and it's not just in my head, but at the same time I might not be that bad, who knows. Anyways, this maybe not completely horrible, but at least horribly selfish person has rambled on long enough.