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Thoughts Well my parents bought a new computer so I should be getting their old one when the new one arives. I'm happy about that. I miss having a computer in my room cause it gives me something to do at night when I can't sleep. Now I'm back to just watching TV, although there's rarely anything good on. I feel like I need something visual around me at night right now though. If it's just me alone in the dark with music my thoughts can sometimes get a little out of control. I found myself thinking about death this past weekend and that's not a good thing. Usually I can handle it, but sometimes thoughts of death and dying get too much for me to take and I get this indescribable feeling that I really want to go away. The last time I felt like that was a couple of years ago and I don't remember what pulled me out of it. This time it was thoughts of restricting and losing weight that did it. It's ironic isn't it, that what could kill me is what helps me deal with the thought of death and comforts me. It's hard to explain, although I realized how good I can feel when I'm restricting. It really is a coping mechanism sometimes, a way to take me away from anything else that I might be feeling. But it's a double edged sword I guess, it can make you feel so good and so bad at the same time. It is an obsession...an addiction that at the moment seems impossible to give up. |