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Lonely I feel so alone right now, I mean more than usual. Maybe it's because it's a holiday and I was alone for most of the day while my family went off and celebrated without me. Don't get me wrong, I think I would rather choose to be alone then with them, I just wish that I had someone else to be with besides myself. It's funny, when I was younger all I wanted was to be alone. I said that I was the kind of person who would be perfectly comfortable living alone, but now I am deathly afraid of the idea. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want someone I can talk to, someone that will comfort me and hold me when I am upset, someone that won't leave me like everyone else has. This all sounds so pathetic to me. My mind is telling me that it's weak to not be able to handle being alone. I'm so used it, I should accept it and not wish for what I will probably never have. I hate my mind, it always has to beat me down into the ground until I feel bad because bad is the only thing I will let myself feel. It is the only thing that is real. Even what gives me small moments of pleasure are filled with shame and guilt and as a whole are bad, such as the restricting and the bingeing and purging and the cutting. They make me feel content for just a moment, but I know in the back of my mind that they are destroying me, but I can't stop. Why can't I stop? I know how bad everything I do to myself is and that if I ever do want to be happy and not alone I can't have these things, for they only help to alienate me even more, but somehow that isn't enough for me to stop or even make an attempt to stop. I am such a coward...a slave to my own sadistic mind. |